Bribe Captian Firecrotch Here!


This year, legendary business sponsor “Anderson’s Family Jewels” was looking all over their family tree for a beaver to represent them at this year’s pageant. Just when they thought all was dry and desolate, the chief of no-chafing, Captain Firecrotch, leapt from a moist hole at the base of the trunk!

Captain Firecrotch comes to us from Down Unda, where the sun DOES shine. She fights bushfires caused by both flame and friction. She’s been in a lot of tight spots over the years and is very experienced with all types of burns— from carpet to beard, she’s got it covered.

It was her first time on a plane, but she loved the mile high experience and the Family Jewels covered her in their trademark wares— she was positively dripping with pearl necklaces, earrings, and bracelets!  While here in Durham, the Captain hopes to try foot long Frank under the stands at a Bulls game, attend scissoring lessons with the hairdresser from the Velvet Hippo, and meet up with some friendly locals in the corner of the mist tent at this year’s Eno Festival.

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